Brene’s Call to Courage

Love Brene Brown's recent inspirational talk, Call to Courage on Netflix. It's worth a watch if you have got a spare 'hour and sixteen'. Her ideas come from twenty years of research into shame, wholeheartedness and vulnerability. She is an expert in her field and brings her own experiences to the table - she is funny too.

One of the takeaways Brene gives us in the Call to Courage, is the myth that vulnerability is a weakness.

Over the years I have struggled with the concept of vunerabilty. Sometimes I have been willing to put myself out there, other times I have not. I know I am not alone. Humans are taught from an early age to avoid pain and danger. From previous experiences, we want to avoid hurt, rejection and disappointment. Our fears, anxieties and uncertainties lead us to believe vulnerability is an absolute weakness. So we reject it in the belief we are protecting ourselves. We armour ourselves up, build invisible safe walls and at worst, become openly guarded.

I have now watched all of Brene’s talks about the power of vulnerability. She has a different point of view - Vulnerability is strength. She has interviewed over a thousand people through her research - she knows what she is talking about.

After listening to her talks, I wholeheartedly agree with what she has to say. Although it may scare us, I can see how being vulnerable can also help us all find more joy, creativity and love.

Women and Vulnerability

The subject of vulnerability is not gender exclusive. Though for the purpose of this article, I am going to concentrate on Working Mothers.

I know a lot of working mums who see vulnerability as a weakness. These strong women who appear positive and confident, who never get upset (well not in front of you). Who turn up and work so hard and use phrases like 'you just have to get on with it'. Yet if you look closely enough, you see flickers of an internal struggle. You offer a friendly ear and it gets turned down - politely of course- for fear of showing vulnerability.

The Unmistakable Supermums

I'm not knocking these women, far from it, they are my friends. It takes immense effort and energy to put on this work mask. To numb senses and show outward strength. To ignore the mental and physical warning signs and carry on. To be the unmistakeable Supermum.

There are so many reasons why working mums might do this to themselves. Fear of rejection from the people who matter. Wanting to feel good enough - be the best mum. To avoid being over-looked for a new job. Maintaining status and perceived value at work. Believing this level of control will deliver personal happiness.

Brave & Bad Habits

The thing is, it’s not healthy to sustain this level of behaviour. Your brave attempts to show people how in control you are, are not serving you well. Fears and anxiety are in the driving seat. Bad habits are creeping in to numb the pain. You are pushing yourself too hard - to exhaustion. Trying to fit in everything you did before you had kids. Competing with other mums for that imaginary gold medal. Comforting eating when things don't go to plan, drinking too much alcohol. You might already suffer from a mental illness - depression, anxiety or an eating disorder. It leads to feelings of unworthiness and working mums, you are all worthy! I admire you hugely for the personal sacrifices you make every day. How often you successfully juggle work and family commitments. Putting your loved ones needs before your own.

Tolerance, Courage and Vulnerability

Supermums are always ready to face and endure danger or pain and demonstrate bravery. This is a test of tolerance. It does not invite vulnerability, nor accepts it as part of the process. In contrast, courage is having the ability to do something that frightens us, with the intention to overcome our fears. To rid ourselves of danger, pain and suffering.

After decades of qualitative research, Brene has discovered without vulnerability, there is no courage. One cannot exist without the other. Unless we face what frightens us, in other words be vulnerable and courageous at the same time- we will will not rid ourselves of the things that cause us pain.

The research also reveals vulnerability is the birthplace of joy, creativity, belonging and love. Supermums, don't you think you deserve this? A life filled with more love and joy over fear and anxiety? Of course, you do.

Apply Brene's teachings and practice vulnerability and you will also overcome fear and find more joy, creativity,belonging and love.

I'm not suggesting you need to start laying it all out there on Facebook or Twitter. Neither am I saying to share all your deepest insecurities with everyone at work or 'spill your guts' to anyone who will listen. This is over-sharing and it can often backfire. It also brings with it more shame, uncertainty and anxiety. As Brene says, 'vulnerability is not a measure of the amount of disclosure. It is a measure of the amount of courage to turn up and be seen when you don't know the outcome'. Being vulnerable should bring you closer to your people, leaving you feeling more connected, loved and valued.

The Call to Courage

It takes real courage to show genuine vulnerability. This is a journey of self- discovery as much as it is about real courage. Being vulnerable brings with it uncertainty, emotional risk and exposure. In the pursuit of more joy, love and greater connections with people, we must let our vulnerability be seen. It will be uncomfortable. We will face setbacks and know disappointment. We will also experience great joy.

What’s the alternative? Keep pushing ourselves in a way that does not serve us. Avoid putting ourselves out there so we never get what we want in life.

The Call to Courage sounds like a better way.

Answer the Call to Courage

Even if you don't know the outcome you can answer the call to courage. Be the person who asks for help with the kids so you can have some alone time on a regular basis. Show your boss how you are more productive doing a forty-hour week instead of a fifty hours plus week. Say 'I need a break' and ask your partner to pick up some extra chores. Show people who you are, not what you think you should be. Say I'm not perfect, I'm doing my best and know it is good enough. Explain to your kids why Supermum only exists in comics (they will still love you). Lean into the hard conversations. Trust in your ability to deal with the unknown and share how you feel with others.

As more of us start to practice vulnerability we will have more joyful experiences. More trust and empathy for each other. A strong sense of belonging, more love. Isn't that what we all want.

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